TO JUST FEEL...

Let's see. I haven't been on here in a while. Well, recently my mother just died. I've been feeling heart broken ever since. When she died it felt like a part of me died with her. But I know that she wouldn't want me living in depression, although it's been hard. I've been around family, but it's like the saying, "being surrounded by a lot of people but still feeling completely alone." I miss my mother dearly. I stopped everything I loved doing because I lost the person that I loved the most in the entire world. I stopped reading books, drawing, painting, taking photographs....I mean I stopped it all. I just didn't want to do anything. I even haven't been eating like I'm suppose to. It's not that I don't want to eat, it's just that since the incident happened, I just haven't been craving food anymore. I've started back eating very little, even though I don't want to, and eating makes me sick. And what I mean by that is it makes my stomach hurt. I keep fully hydrated though. I drink my water. I know I need to do better, I want to do better. My mother would want me to live my life to the fullest, so I'm going to try. I'm going to start drawing again. I tried a mini picture today of a cartoon character, I didn't want to do it, but I did. Although I rushed through it, so it's definitely not some of my best work. I try to smile everyday, even though I don't want to. Some of my happiness is fake, but I'm trying. My mother was everything to me, I was a mama's girl. I still am. No one will ever take my mother's place in my heart. It's like a void that can't be filled. I pursued my art for my mother and when she died, I gave it up. But since my mother was so proud of my art and I was doing it for her, I'm going to continue to do it for her. My mother would want me to pursue my dreams no matter what, and that's what I'm going to do.

So for all those who have lost parents, whether they be mothers, fathers, or grandparents...just remember, that they would never want you to give up on your goals. They would NEVER want you to sit around depressed and crying all the time. They're in a better place and WE will see them again. My heart is broken and your heart may be broken and even if you don't believe it right now, because I'm still having a hard time believing it right now........but THINGS WILL GET BETTER.....grieve, that's what you're suppose to do, but still LIVE. That's what I'm trying to do.

With all my love,

Anna B.